Is There Something Behind Me?

I haven’t been around here much. Not because I don’t want to be but because I’m actually busy at work now and I don’t have a computer at home. But I was reminded today by a few people that people actually miss my “blog.” So I will share a story of what happened to me today.

Today was a shitty day. Not only did I have to work but my legs hurt and my foot is all cut up from a wedding on the beach I went to this weekend, so I walked around all day with a gangster limp. People thought I was a retard. That could be because of the way I look, but I’m going to pretend it was because of my walking.

So after a day from hell I get in my car that is hotter than an oven. Seriously, I put half my body in and I was almost cooked. After almost passing out from heat exhaustion I drove out of the parking lot with talk radio on. I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed it vibrating like I was jammin to some hard-core gangster rap music, only I was just listening to ESPN Radio. I’m not really to worried about it as I’m flying down the interstate, but then all of a sudden it just pops off and is hanging there by a cord. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven with out a rear view mirror, let me tell you, it is weird. So I drove about 10 minutes to an auto parts store to get some glue and shit to fix it, but until I got there I probably looked like the biggest idiot ever.

Over-rated Michael J. Fox

Now this may come off like I’m hating Michael J Fox, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The dude has entertained me with one character for years.

Seriously, has anyone noticed that he played one character for 15 years? The guy didn’t age from 1985 till 2000. He played the same character in Back to the Future and it’s 2 sequels, and that was filmed over a period of 5 years. I don’t know about anyone else, but 5 years ago I looked pretty different, mostly skinnier. Just about every movie that he’s been in, he plays the same character; a down on your luck nerdy type who has to stand up to some sort of bully guy and at the end scores the chick.

He is like the 80’s version of Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell. Maybe not to the extreme that Will Ferrell takes it though. But you get my point.

I do love Michael J Fox though. In fact I just got done watching Teen Wolf, the most ridiculous movie in the history of film. He sucks at basketball, figures out he can turn into a wolf, gets good at basketball, then decides not to turn into a wolf anymore and is now good at basketball. That’s the premise for a movie? And I thought Hollywood today was out of control. But it’s entertaining, it doesn’t try to be anything it isn’t. It’s a weird crazy movie and that’s why I love it.

 

Horse Face and the Sea Turtles

Sex in the City became a movie this weekend, much to the disappointment of penis’ everywhere. It was fine when these old ugly chicks were on small TVs, but now they are on 25 foot screens.

I discussed, more like yelled about how shitty this movie is, with some girls I work with. None of them would agree with me that these chicks are as far from attractiveas they could possibly be. They would try to tell me that so-and-so is hot and a slut, but they would use their Sex in the City name so I’d have no idea who they were talking about. My head almost exploded. 

Seriously, who wants to see shriveled up old hags on a huge ass screen hooking up with dudes? Not me, I’ll tell you that. They should use this movie in Guantanamo to torture the terrorists, they would tell everything they knew after five minutes of this shit fest.

Some would say, “Steve how can you hate a movie you’ve never seen?”

To which I’d reply, “If I want to see horses I watch horse racing. At least then I can gamble on the outcome.”

I’d rather not have sex if those four broads were my choices.

 

We’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat

I read this story earlier today and I almost fell out of my chair laughing. This kid got “attacked” by a shark in his bedroom.

The “attack” happened at 14-year-old Sam Hawthorne’s home in Dudley, England.

Hawthorne was sleepwalking when the teeth of a dead souvenir shark from a family vacation, that hangs on the wall of his nautical-themed bedroom, became embedded in his face.

This kid slept walked into a shark head. What an idiot! Seriously, why would you put a shark’s head at face level? Do you do parlor tricks with it? Like sticking your head into it to impress your friends, or throwing pieces of food into it’s mouth?

“It was like something out of a horror film,” she said. “The shark must have been embedded in Sam’s cheek for about 15 minutes and he was in a lot of pain.”

A horror film. Hmmm. I guess if the horror film was one where you just walk into sharp ass things, then yeah, it’s just like a horror film.

This kid needs to be reminded how stupid he is at least 58 times a day, he should also have to wear a helmet.

Soft Core Blows

I love 3 day weekends. Friday I drank a bunch of beer with my neighbors and planned on relaxing on Saturday, plans change I suppose. I got a call from my good friend Jeff. He called to tell me to come over because he and another one of my friends, Justin grilled up to much food and I was needed to help. So I did what any aspiring fat person would do, I got my ass over there.

I get there and am greeted with a beer and a brat. We stood around and had interesting conversations about taking shits, lesbians, and taking shits on people. I told them both my goal is to bang a lesbian, then Jeff had to be a one-upper and tell me he already did that. (jerk) Then told me about a “lesbian” he knows that takes naked photos, which he never showed me, but doesn’t show “the goods.” He told me she gets a lot of money just to show her boobs.

WHO LOOKS AT THIS STUFF?!?

Soft Core porn is the worst! It’s like a lap dance when you can’t touch the stripper. What is the point? Soft Core porn should be outlawed, and the people who watch it should be punched in the neck. What can you possible get out of seeing half naked chicks and nothing hardcore? Wast of time if you ask me.

Did you all have a good Memorial Day weekend? Are you a supporter of Soft Core porn?

Another Day

It happened again

Flat tire in the rain

How can I explain, why I am late again

I don’t know

Hit up the Gas N’ Go

Fill up the tank, but the account balance is on zero

 Gotta beg and plead

for the cash I need

in a rush, and damn sure late

i might as well be going to the Aloha State

going crazy, banging my head on the wheel

the roads are slipperier than a banana peel

 i can feel, myself losing control

—

then i hear the tone

on my cell phone

and all the bad goes away

its a text from her

telling me to have a great day

—

the sky opened up the sun shone through

it stopped raining and the sky turned blue

 the birds start to sing

i start to feel just like a king